一只云 CloudIt is like snowflakes longing to meet spring blossoms: there is indeed sorrow in every season and generation, yet within a hundred paces, love always lingers. No tree ever grows without the whispers of a breeze, no seed flourishes without fertile soil. The world’s beauty persists - even when we cannot see it.
That is the absolute doctrine of Tony’s life – even to the extreme of refusing to let a negative mindset ever snatch his control. For this reason, Tony does not care about his mother’s mentality. Since his mother’s divorce, unstoppable sorrow and vigilance began to ambush her from behind the curtains and seep in through the keyholes. Every night, Tony dared not walk around his home, knowing that every subtle creak of floorboards beneath his step would leave her restless and irritable. By day, his mother was not quiet, unable to resist dragging them into a contentious conversation with resentment, as she continued bemoaning the pathetic experience with their previous family and spreading distress about future turmoil like hers. Because of this, the conversations between a mother and son, which are presumably considered homely in typical cultural norms, instead ended up irritating both sides on the spot. However, in the suffocating silence after their squabble, Tony marveled at the wrinkles that age has plowed into his mother’s face, the webs of lines that hardship has etched into her skin. Even if imperfectly, he knew their conversation was out of no preparation and real intention. At a glance, his mother’s bitterness was not rooted in malice, but in wounds too old to name and too deep to dress, despite the lamenting aftermath of collisions between two people trying to cope without a map.
Tony became taciturn toward his mother, not only a self-defense mechanism but also a form of medication to heal incurable injuries, to preserve the original feelings amidst the precious bond that they had formed through almost two decades in their memories. Leaving everyone alone seems to work. Because it leads to fewer fights between people who are beloved by each other, Tony chooses to behave this way.
Across years, his already calm personality grows reticent after prolongedly frozen for ages, until something changes on a seemingly ordinary morning. As Tony wakes up a bit later today, the smell of breakfast drifting in from the corridor is richly aromatic, on a current of air slightly colder than yesterday’s. In short pajamas, Tony unconsciously twitches his calves and puzzles over why today’s home seems to be quieter before an abrupt call smashes his freshly awakened sluggishness.
It is from Tony’s mother: “Morning. Finished your breakfast yet? I’m in the hospital and may need your help. Just stay calm and come over… Thanks.” “Oh, why? Fine, I’ll be quick.”
On the way to the hospital, Tony cannot help but flash back to moments spent with his family - and his mother; yet the uncertainty keeps Tony imaging all the possible difficulties his mother might face, dragging her smile from his memory – the twinkles that no longer brings Tony warm anymore, as the more lamentation is sinking out. His mother’s frequent anxiety and onset of headaches with no prognosis, these insinuations already foreshadowed the fact, what Tony had long been ignoring, that something was wrong.
Tony stands rigid in the subway car. He counts 32 people. Seventeen men. Fifteen women. Four stops to go. His thoughts race, but his actions are precise - each number a fragile defense against the unknown. As if by cataloging every detail - the inches of space between shoulders, the rhythm of the train’s brakes- he can hold off whatever bad news awaits at the destination. Beneath his calm face, panic pulses like a siren, growing louder with every station passed. Three overhead ads have been flashing for minutes, just like the time he has been through that will never come back again, before he realizes the resonating past, which already integrates every detail into him of today, is prohibitive for mortification and supplication. This is undeniable.
“Don’t worry. I just need to take a CT scan.” Tony’s mother said with relief, “And thanks to these recent days, I don’t think what happened in the past matters anymore.” She said after a deep sigh.
“Maybe, this is the feeling of life,” said Tony, “through hardship and missing out on chances.”
“Cheer up. Don’t take it so seriously. Just sign your name here, the procedure requires consent from one immediate relative.” Tony’s mother gives a smile, with a relaxed gesture that the boy knows clear tension inside, which is instead covered by an even stronger toughness.
“Oh. Sure.”
“Go do your own thing… And don’t tell your dad.”
It is about to end when Tony returns to school, minutes late for the final class.
“How’s it going, buddy? Why are you so late today? Though it isn’t rare.” Green says with a funny tone while Tony quietly moves over to a nearby seat after nodding with some friends. Due to unknown factors which he doesn’t fully understand, he has a lot of friends, rarely enemies.
“Come on. It’s not a good everyday greeting. Now focus.” Tony never spreads negative emotions and knows he shouldn’t. Today’s morning feels like a fog obscuring his mind, but to survive, Tony must find the right direction for his future, breaking out of the mist and pulling himself from the swamp with courage. Though it is still unclear, Tony believes that he has found the reason to cherish every moment with people around, the connection too priceless and vulnerable to brush aside, witnessing the unstoppable flow of time and unpredictable change of life. His decision is made with determination: to strive to enjoy his world.
“Tony! Pay attention to class. You didn’t even finish the homework.” It is in a biology class. As he expects from his teacher’s style, he is called on to recite what she just taught. “What determines animals’ traits?”
Although Tony has zoned out, he makes a pure guess, “That’s the gene.”
“Not enough. It’s not your lucky day, Tony. Say something not everyone knows.” The teacher said with a smile because Tony always builds up a good teacher-student relationship. “You could’ve been better. Like I said in class, a penalty for not finishing homework, and clean the blackboard before you go. Class, does anyone volunteer to answer what and why?”
“Sure.” A girl sitting diagonally in front of him replies with confidence. Tony knows her name is Rolla, whose eyes now brightened the moment she answered smoothly, “Environmental factors also play a significant role in phenotypic expression, due to its plasticity.”
There is no need for hesitation; she is not showing off, just genuinely engaged. Her lucid passion truly astonishes Tony. As he gazes at Rolla, Green whispers, “Many people thought she was an average student ‘til they were in biology class.”
“So do I.”
“By the way, how’ve you been studying these days? I know a cool writing contest, and it’s international. Got a minute?” said Green.
“Fine, if there’s time.”
“Okay, I’ll find our partners.”
After Rolla finishes her talk, the class is about to end. As Tony moves to the blackboard, he sees Rolla seems not willing to pack up her stuff back home, seemingly staying to polish her notes or waiting for something. However, Tony is not sure since they are not familiar, just knowing each other’s names. That’s all. To avoid being blamed for a preventable mistake, Tony keeps the part of the blackboard in biology class, also as a way to acknowledge her hard work.
“I am done here.” Tony is already heading over to his desk and is about to take out his bags.
“Wait. You know you should’ve done more than this, right?” Rolla made a quick response to stop him. Tony has no idea why she stayed him.
“C’mon. I thought you needed these to take notes.” Albeit grudgingly, he shrugged, put down the bag he had just gripped, and went to the blackboard. “But my guess's true, yeah? You are interested in biology and want to major in it.”
“No. I’ll apply for economics and go to Hong Kong, as my family expects so.”
Tony gets confused. A student should not just follow the intention of their family, but take individual ownership of their application. If making an arbitrary decision without collective consent, the family will gradually disintegrate their love and attitudes like gravel drying out in the wind of age, when one is always upset, complaining, and the other keeps prevailing. In this lose-lose conflict, a student has a complete life that deserves to be explored under their interests, and the parent cannot indulge their children forever; therefore, they must accept the fact and let them go. In most cases, as Tony believes, students directing their life path possess greater motivation and resilience to confront difficulties. Though destiny already depends on all alone.
“That doesn’t count. I mean, it shouldn’t be your reason.” In the meantime, he picked up the blackboard eraser, but his hand paused suddenly.
“So, you do like biology, then you should aim to study that, rather than…Sorry again. What does your sugar daddy want?” Tony snickered at the same time and turned his back to wipe the blackboard. He definitely remembers what she said in seconds, but his emotional intelligence prevents him from being a didactic bragger because he considers the unclear root of reasons and the fact that he is also a novice in life.
“Hey, your memory capacity is small as shit, and you shouldn’t make fun of the thing,” said Rolla.
“Oh, I see… Fine. I’m sorry, but you should for yourself. I think you want to apply for biology. That’s your thing. You did well in the subject. You liked and remembered everything, with details or not, that you’ve seen about biology easily.”
“However,” it sounds like Rolla is about to start a long-winded speech, but Tony thinks he has been in an end waiting back home for his growing worries about his mother.
“Stop saying this, you know what I mean.” Tony finishes his task and adds, “I want to get back home. Bye.”
It feels a bit longer to get home. Tony strides to the source of the odor coming from the kitchen, but he still cannot help but keep a couple of steps away from his mother, though.
“How are you?”
“Not bad.”
To be Continued…